Let’s face it: the world can be a weird place for anyone who dares to exist in a body larger than a coat hanger. From unsolicited diet advice from your aunt who “swears by cucumber water,” to strangers loudly sighing when you sit next to them on public transport—as if your thigh touching theirs might signal the apocalypse—being fat in public is basically a full-contact sport.
But worry not, fellow rotund renegade. You’ve just stumbled upon the only (very unofficial) survival guide for coping with being called derogatory names while living your best, curvaceous life. Warning: sarcasm ahead.
Step 1: Accept That Everyone’s a Certified Nutritionist Now
Forget medical degrees. All it takes to become a world-renowned health expert in 2025 is being thin and mildly opinionated. Prepare to be informed by Chad at the gym that “You’d be really pretty if you lost weight,” while he slurps down a protein shake with the nutritional value of drywall.
Smile sweetly. Say, “Thanks, Chad. You’d be really tolerable if you stopped talking.”
Step 2: Name-Calling is a Reflection of Deep Insecurity (and Possibly Low Blood Sugar)
When someone yells “whale” at you from a passing car, remember: it’s not about you. It’s about their need to feel superior for 0.3 seconds before driving back to their sad little life and Googling, “How to feel joy.”
Repeat after me: I am not your emotional punching bag, Kevin. Go journal about your dad issues.
Step 3: Weaponize Confidence
There’s nothing more confusing to a bully than a fat person who loves themselves. If someone calls you “fatty,” strike a pose like you’re on the cover of Vogue: Plus-Sized World Domination Edition. Bonus points if you wink.
Consider printing a business card that says: Yes, I’m fat. No, I’m not asking for your opinion. Please direct your insecurities elsewhere.
Step 4: Join the Resistance (aka Group Chats and Internet Memes)
Every good revolution starts with community. Find your people. Swap stories. Share memes. Laugh so hard you jiggle, and then laugh harder because jiggling is apparently offensive to someone somewhere.
When in doubt, post a selfie. Caption: Not thin, not sorry.
Step 5: Turn the Narrative On Its Head
The next time someone tries to insult you with a food reference (“Hey Big Mac!”), respond with enthusiasm. “Thank you! I’m delicious, universally loved, and available 24/7. You wish you had my consistency.”
Make it weird. Make them uncomfortable. It’s called reclaiming power, darling.
Step 6: Understand the System is the Problem, Not You
In a culture where body image is monetized, every insult is part of a larger marketing scheme to convince you you’re broken so they can sell you something. Diet pills, detox teas, “waist trainers” (aka corsets rebranded by influencers)—it’s all nonsense. Your worth isn’t up for commercial auction.
If capitalism had a face, it would probably call you “lazy” while trying to sell you a $90 salad.
Final Thoughts
Being called names hurts. It does. But you are not the insult. You are not the opinion of a stranger who peaked in high school and now roams the internet looking for people to project their bitterness onto.
